


Do we need distance to get close?

by britishatheart



Series: Steve and Cath - It's Complicated... [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Character's POV, F/M, First-Person Narrative, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Third Person Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishatheart/pseuds/britishatheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She chose to leave. He didn't stop her. But distance gave them perspective - they came to realize they chose wrongly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do we need distance to get close?

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Hawaii Five-0 and related characters belong to its creator, Leonard Freeman.

_"A thing is mighty big when time and distance cannot shrink it."_

_**Zora Neale Hurston** _

_**.** _

_It's been months now. Over three months since I got that phone call telling me I was being temporarily assigned to Coronado._

_Yes. I was going to a different Naval Base. Even though I told him I got a phone call telling me I had to go back, in reality, I was being transferred. I never got the guts to tell him I asked for that but I don't think it would matter... Truth was: I needed some time alone._

_I was glad when I heard that. Well, not really... but I had to embrace it. I needed to organize my life and I couldn't do that in Hawaii. I knew that, if I stayed close enough, I'd end up drifting back to our old routine and that wasn't right. It wasn't healthy and I knew I needed to break that vicious habit of ours..._

_I guess I just never expected it to be so hard._

_During my first week in Coronado, I found myself getting closer and closer to an abyss that was so deep and I didn't know I had inside. And, not only I came to discover that big hole of nothingness, but I also learned I was in pain. I was hurting, even though my health was perfect. So, I couldn't take a couple of painkillers and that pain would vanish. I tried, but it didn't work. What I was feeling was deeper, I was hurt on the inside and that was excruciatingly painful._

_In order to break old habits, I can say that I broke myself to pieces... I barely know how I managed my first month. I was in sunny California, yet, it all looked so dull._

_It was hard. Actually, hard doesn't even begin to cover. It was terrible. I never thought I'd go through something like that after a breakup. Not that Steve and I were in a relationship — it'll sound like a huge cliché but, well, **it's** **complicated**... Back then, I would say we were friends with benefits but, obviously it wasn't just that. Not for me anyways._

_I never really admitted it — not even to myself — but, at some point, I developed feelings for him. I can't tell when it happened, how, why, where, but truth is, I did. I fell for him blindly._

_When I came to say goodbye, I felt hints of that truth coming to the surface and I even embraced it for a couple of seconds. But, when I was a couple of yards away from his place, I denied it. Actually, that's how I've been living lately. In denial._

_I will never admit it but I denied so many things since I left. I denied I was running away. I denied I was torn to shreds. I denied him, my feelings, our unsolved issues, everything. I denied myself. I only saw what I wanted to see, believed what was convenient. Now that I'm thinking about it, that's probably how I managed these three months and seventeen days..._

_But lately, this is not working like it used to. Lately, I often find myself reviving ghosts from the past and bringing him back to my life. The wall I built around him and the memories of us is ruining. And the more I think about him, more I ask myself "why?"... Why I didn't fight harder? Why I ran away? Why I'm here while he is there? **Why?**_

_I was taught to be truth to myself, brave, courageous, I was raised to be strong, a fighter... Why I chose the easy way out and denied everything I learned in my life?_

_This isn't me... I shouldn't be here. I don't want to be here. I want to go back to Hawaii. I want to go back and try to do things right and succeed. But, the problem is, I screwed up. Big time._

_I said goodbye. I did. What would I do? Show up at his door and beg him for forgiveness? I could do that... but, what if he denies that? I couldn't blame him, after all, that's exactly what I did._

_"You're stupid, Catherine. Really stupid..."_

_So, now I'm sitting here. It's late, it's dark, I'm on my bed and, even though it's still Autumn, it feels arctic cold. And, only to fuel my "cheerfulness", my thoughts starts to wander at their own will and, like always, they have one destination — Hawaii._

_I don't even try to shut it off. I can't and I don't want to. I don't want to let go. With that thought in mind, I close my eyes and, before I fell asleep, I make up my mind._

___**—H50 _ _—__** _ __

   After she said goodbye, Steve never heard of Catherine anymore. He didn't look for her either. According to Danny, Steve was a moron when it comes to emotions, feelings and all that stuff. That wasn't true. Steve was well aware of those things; he just chose to not share it. Actually, he learned to be like that. But hearing Cath saying goodbye... It hurt. He felt pain in places he never had felt before — in his chest, on the left side; his heart.

   For days, her words haunted him; he even lost sleep thinking about it. He never felt like that before.

   The first few days after that night passed slowly. They stretched so much that Steve found himself calling it a day sooner so he could go for a walk to clear his head. It was messy but, after a while, he found a way to get through that. He drowned himself with work. He would always be the first to get to the HQ, the last to leave and the Five-0s got as many cases as it was possible — Danny asked him once if he was trying to set some sort of record.

   It had become a routine actually. Grasping for some control, Steve dedicated all his time to work. And it worked. He was so loaded with cases and paperwork that, for the most part, he didn't think about anything... and then, he couldn't avoid anymore.

__**—H50 _ _—__** _ _

_It's been a hard day at the Office. Hard because we had to deal with the death of a Petty Officer. Navy. And I came to realize that working on a case that tossed me back to my life in the service, well, it made all my efforts to get rid of my memories of one particular Lieutenant go downhill._

_We were investigating the death of a young man who was murdered in his place that happened to be inside a Naval facility and, walking in and out of Pearl, going through the base, there was no way I could keep Catherine Rollins out of my mind. And, even when I tried to shove her back to the farthest corner of my head and lock her there like I did months ago, I didn't try that hard._

_I don't know why, but I couldn't let go of her memory. At first I tried to. Man, how I tried. I didn't find other women but, whenever I felt like she was coming, her memories were threatening to return, I focused on something else. The first random thing that I could think of, which often meant hiking or swimming or going to the shooting range. I can't tell it worked nicely because, well, months went by and here I am, here she is... Obviously she's not **literally** here but the memories of her are stronger when I'm here._

_I even thought I saw her. Yes. It's probably my mind playing tricks on me — imagine that, a SEAL being tricked by his brain; my CO would love to hear that — but it happened. No one knows about it, not even Danny who, I must admit, had been putting up with a lot lately._

_It's been hard... I guess— I miss Catherine more than I ever imagined I would miss a woman in my life..._

__**—H50 _ _—__** _ _

   After long thirty six hours investigating the murderer of Petty Officer Jameson Trent, Steve found himself trying to finish the report about the case at 1am.

   Danny stopped by his office before he left, about thirty minutes ago, inviting Steve to go for a drink.

   "Thanks, Danno, but I just want to finish this thing..."

   "You know," Danny said entering Steve's office and standing in front of his partner. "You think we don't know what you're doing, but you're wrong." Steve stopped what he was doing but he refused to look at the short blonde person in front of him. "I know you, Steven. And you need a break."

   Steve dropped the papers and raised his head so his eyes could meet Danny's. "If you know me, Danny, then I guess I don't need to say anything else..."

   "You have to stop. Just for a second. You have to stop."

   "I can't."

   "Why not?"

   "Because!" Steve's voice went a note higher and, when he noticed it, he pinched the bridge of his nose, looking away from Danny again. He didn't want to yell at his partner because he had nothing to do with what was bothering him. No one had anything to do with that. "I need to finish this, Danny."

   "You know it won't kill you if you call her, right?" Steve slowly looked at Danny. "Catherine. It won't even hurt if you just pick up the phone and dial."

   "She left, Danny. She chose it this way." Saying it out loud was even worse than thinking about it. It was the first time after four months that he talked about it and it was still hard.

   Danny knew it was bothering Steve. His tone went cold, the mood changed drastically and even the room felt glacial cold — and they were in Hawaii.

   "Well, that's new," Danny said, ignoring the thick atmosphere and all warning signs that Steve was quietly sending. "Up until now, I never saw you giving up on something that easily..."

   "I didn't give up."

   "Yes, you did. You didn't do anything about it. You just accepted it quietly."

   "What was I supposed to do, Danny? Huh? Force her to stay? She made it very clear that she didn't want to."

   "Force her to stay... Of course you shouldn't force her to do anything, you idiot! Just because I call you a Neanderthal animal doesn't mean you need to act like one all the freakin' time! You should've done this little something that people do nowadays — talk."

   Steve and Danny were this close to start yelling at each other. It was bad enough to talk about something that he'd been trying to ignore, but it was even worst to argue with Danny because of it.

   "It doesn't matter anymore," Steve said lowering his tone and shifting his attention back to the small pile of paper on his desk. Never in the history of Five-0 were Steve's and all other desks so clean. There was hardly any paperwork to be done.

   "If it didn't really matter, you wouldn't be spending so much time thinking about it... or energy trying not to," Danny said, turning his back to Steve and walking to the door. Before closing it, he glanced at Steve one last time; he was looking at him. "You should call her. You have nothing to lose."

   After Danny left, Steve tried to go back to his work but he couldn't. He just sat there, the papers lying untouched in front of him while his brain worked on the conversation he just had with Danny. He didn't want to talk about that with anyone but Danny would always find a way to meddle. Always. And he was right.

   Steve would vehemently deny if Danny ever heard such thing or came to realize it, but, whenever he did that, forced him into some conversation that Steve didn't want to talk about, he was quite often right.

   He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. Sure he didn't know what to say or do by that time but, he had things to say now, he wanted to do something about it but still, he didn't. He chose doing nothing. He did. Cath could have had chosen to say goodbye, but Steve had the right of a say, after all, even though things between them could not be classified as simple, it takes two to be a couple and, in a way, they were a couple.

   It was 1:17am when Steve finally decided to just stop pretending he was working and head back home. Thanks to Danny, it would be a damn hard night but Steve had decided to do something — he'd call Cath in the morning.

   Steve drove slowly through the streets of Oahu. He wasn't exactly looking forward going back home. Memories of Catherine were still so vivid in his head; he could only imagine how hard it would be when he got home. She had been there more than just a few times, not to say they had their last argument in his living room. He couldn't even remember what they were arguing about...

   After driving for about twenty minutes, Steve finally decided he needed to stop avoiding and start facing his demons, so he went back to his place and killed the engine of his blue Chevy truck on the dark driveway.

   He was already bracing himself for what he'd have to face once he was inside when something caught his attention. There was someone in his front porch. Instinctively, he reached for his gun that was on the glove compartment but, when he stepped out of his vehicle and took two silent steps forward, he suddenly knew who it was, and the realization of it made Steve stop on his tracks. He was speechless, his brain didn't seem to work properly and he had no reaction to what he was seeing.

   It was Catherine. The figure on his dark porch was Catherine Rollins.

**.**

_"Sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope."_

**Grey's Anatomy**


End file.
